Bike movie doubleheader: When They Were Kings

Quicksilver is on its way. In the meantime, I feel the need to return to a past, more innocent time, when grand tour winners weren't being prosecuted for doping, and we could simply revel in their achievements.

The year: 2003.

The event: The Tour.

Hell on Wheels (Höllentour) (2004)

Wired to Win (2005, IMAX)

The 2003 tour may have been the greatest of those that Lance Armstrong won. Wins 1-4 were established early on in the Tour and held little tension; in wins 6 and 7, his opponents either lay down and showed Lance their belly or imploded, leaving Lance to pick up the yellow jersey at the end of the day. But in 2003, USPS couldn't get a grip on the race, and stuff just kept happening.

Hell on Wheels was produced by Germans (it's in about 5 languages, with subtitles) following mainly Erik Zabel and Rolf Aldag through the 2003 tour (plus lots of Kloden and Vino). The Z was not a factor in the '03 tour, but after watching, I'm much more of a fan than I was--just don't expect profound conversation about anything but cycling. And my interest in Aldag was perked too, even more so when he was picked to lead the New T-Mobile. But great racing footage and the principals are all in there. Wired to Win, focused on Francais de Jeux's Baden Cooke (green jersey winner) and Jimmy Caspar (DNF), tried to be semi-educational, but it's an IMAX movie, so it spent too much time explaining cycling and how nerves work and not enough on the racing. Plus, TV-sized racing footage doesn't look so hot on an IMAX screen.

Oh, but the race...

1. Big Jan in green (not pink)--sorry, celeste. I don't remember if any other cyclist of note was on Team Bianchi, but I think not. And he got second.

2. The grand tour breakthrough for Vino, Attacking Alexander. USPS couldn't tempo-ride him into the dust that year: his flyer into Gap showed everybody else that Lance could lose, and then they all wanted a piece.

3. Beloki's crash, the same day. Ohmygod it gives me chills. There have been other crashes and there was the massive pileup on day 1 that eventually knocked out Kloden among others, but Beloki's high-siding it on that descent hits at a different level. I think what really does it is the footage of Saiz cradling Beloki's now-shattered body on the side of the road while all Joseba can do is scream. Yikes...

4. Of course, Lance doin' some 'cross racing to miss Beloki, ride across a field, jump a ditch, and get back on. Liggett was blown away.

5. Iban Mayo winning atop Alpe d'Huez. Another threat to Lance...at the time.

6. Tyler Hamilton's solo breakaway, helping him get to 4th overall. With a friggin' broken collarbone. (Again, the commentators point out he did finished the Giro with broken bones the year before).

7. A Frenchman won on Bastille Day. OK, it was Virenque, which throws a cloud on things...but not if you're French.

8. Lance getting pulled down on Luz-Ardiden. Was he starting an attack? Did it finally focus him enough to win?

9. Petacchi didn't finish that year. But his Fassa Bortolo teammate, one I. Basso, got 7th overall, white jersey for best U25. And I can't believe that Petacchi's lead-out train was doing Basso any good in the mountains and GC (note in proof: by stage 8, only 3 FB's were still in the race). I think both Basso and Ullrich had fantastic races, mostly on their own.

10. Jan (again): falling down in the last TT, throwing sparks off the bike as he slides 30 feet in asphalt in the rain, then getting back on to finish the ride. Not enough to win, but still damn tough.

Hell on Wheels covers these moments, and also covers the guys in the bunch. My favorite part is probably when they cover the guys getting spit out the back and swept up by the broomwagon, with some nice historical shots in there. The use of old b+w clips is well done, as is the use of the slightly crazy French historian of the tour. The crews setting up fencing (just like Surf City, only a lot more), the announcers, the RVs in the Alps. And the cinematography includes some absolutely stunning shots. Um, the soundtrack is a little techno, not bad in my world.

All in all, HoW is probably one of the best "only from Netflix" rentals I've had. The only word of warning is that the movie doesn't tell you who the riders are, so non-fans will probably be lost. If I had it at home tonight, I'd be watching it. Aw heck, it's probably all on YouTube by now...